It’s been a week since giving birth to our second child, Siris (pronounced as Cyrus but with an “i” instead of a “u”). Now that my second child is born, I can’t help but feel guilty for my first child. For almost three years I have spent most of my time with Light, my first born. Now not only is my time divided to both of them, but I feel like I’m also forcing Light to grow up faster, making her do things she might not be capable of understanding yet.
I also feel bad about my husband not being able to focus more on work and going to the gym (It’s been his goal to get that hunky bod). He’s stuck with taking care of Light. I mean he doesn’t complain and is very, very helpful and supportive. We are a team and I would probably be in a state of total mess if it weren’t for him. I just feel like I should be doing more, or I should be able to handle a toddler and a newborn on my own, but I just can’t for now. Not to mention I’m undergoing postpartum healing or Ge Lai.
I’ve been having this guilty feeling for a while now. At the start of my second pregnancy when we had to talk to Light and explain to her why I can’t carry her anymore or why I can’t do some things with her that I used to do before. I felt like our time together, just bonding with only her, is not enough, and instead, had to be cut short.
Every time I think about her having to do things on her own, or when I had to leave her on her own at the table at lunch or dinner, I just feel so guilty. Every time I see her amusing herself because I had to take care of Siris and my husband had to finish something for work, my heart breaks.
I also feel a little bit jealous. Light doesn’t look for me that much anymore. I think we may have conditioned her too much about me having to spend more time on her baby brother that she always run towards her dad. It used to be me she goes to at once. But now it’s all “I want daddy.” There was a time when I wished she would bug her dad so I could have my alone time. But now, even though I’m sleep deprived, I’d rather spend time with her instead of taking a nap.
I knew or thought I knew how hard it’s going to be to have a toddler and a newborn at the same time, without help from a nanny or “yaya”. But I didn’t think about the little things. It helps that we’re currently staying with my parents so I have some help. But when it comes to the two kids, it’s really up to us (my husband and I). I didn’t realize how hard it’s going to be to handle Light’s behavior once Siris is here. It seemed like she understood before but now, there are times she acts up. Sometimes I wonder if we made the right decision to have another child. All those factors we considered before seemed right. Like it was an easy decision. I think we should’ve thought about it more. It also seemed unfair to Light, as if we didn’t consider what would really happen to her.
I also feel guilty for reprimanding her too much these days. She is so excited and happy that her little brother is already here that she wants to shower him with kisses and hugs. Sometimes, though, it gets a little rough we had to tell her off.
It sounds like such a bad mom to say I regret the decision to have another child. I love our son and it was a planned pregnancy. It was a sort of well thought of decision. We wanted Siris. Sometimes I just wish I could split myself in two so I can be there for both my children.
Did any of you moms of multiple kids feel the same way? How do you balance your time and love for all your children?